Grace Addict

I've been struggling with a message I heard in church recently. It was another of what I call, an 80/20 message. That is, a sermon that has me saying "YES" 80% of the time and "NO" the other 20%. Of course, my first reflection is that I am still 20% away from "getting it right", but I have long given up on the notion that my God given discernment is flawed and that I am only to drink in what the Learned Men of God feed me. Me and God have come to an understanding that I can question anything and that He loves me and guides me, irregardless of my various musings. Anyway.... First, The Message: It was called "Repair, Regress, or Replace". The focus was on what we do with the Gospel message. Do we attempt to fix ourselves to be better people(repair), do we return to our "un-gospelled" selves(Regress), or do we let God change us(Replace)? It was a compare and contrast message that pitted Legalism against Libertarianism, and concluded that both are flawed, while extolling the message that God does the miracle of improving our natures. So far, so good. The issue I had was in describing those who apparently have walked towards Libertarianism of having failed to actually heard the Gospel message and taken it in. According to the Pastor, if you have heard the Gospel and yet continue to engage in questionable actions, you never really received the message. The old,"if you continue to sin, your not truly saved" message. Now I must admit to being of the Libertarian Camp. I have come to understand that I am a sinner saved by Grace and that I will continue through this life with a multitude of behaviors that will fall short of Holy living, despite my best efforts. God is not idle, though. He is working in me and through me everyday. I cannot change my heart alone. That in itself is the definition of Legalism: "If I know the rules and follow them, I will be Holy". SO why is it that we have the audacity to declare that those who don't perform as Holy enough(still sinning, not changing fast enough, living in liberty) have failed to truly receive the message of the Gospel? I seem to see clearly that this is just another form of Legalism. The Righteous standing in judgement of the unrighteous. How reaffirming it must feel to be in the ranks of those who can say, "I know God and I have received his Grace, but that guy over in the other pew is deaf and dumb to it, because he is still sinning". What arrogance! As if the speaker has eliminate all his flaws and can stand in judgement of other believers that they feel live too liberally. We are all sinners saved by grace. There is a meme out there that states, "Don't Judge me because I sin differently than you". When I hear, "those who continue to live as they did have obviously not received the Gospel message", I have several scriptural thoughts that immediately come to mind. First: God didn't save me because I was good. He saved me because He is good and his love know no bounds. As a parent, I understand (dimly, I admit)that there is nothing my children will ever do that will stop me from loving them. I believe that this is true with God. Secondly: To say that those who fail to change appropriately or quickly enough, have never received the Gospel message, is to cast our own judgement upon them. I believe the Bible states that God will continue the good work he has begun in you. God is not an instant cure-all. In fact, it is this expectation that lead many to question their faith. "Hey, I accepted Christ. Why isn't everything fixed already". This also lends power to the Pharisee within that wants to judge others as lacking in the earnestness/piousness we have embraced. I should know. I have often found myself within the church silently judging others who don't measure up to the level of performance that I have achieved. Well, Screw all that. God took me as I was. He continues to work with me and through me as I am. He is changing me daily, though the evidence of that may not be evident for many YEARS, if ever, this side of eternity. All the Guilt Bombs and pithy quips of how I am a bad example or "renailing Christ to the cross" are poor motivators at best, and lies from the pit of hell, at their worst. And declaring that those who continue to live unsanctified lives must have never received the message? Watch out! Judge not, lest ye be judged! We are all works in progress, and what God has begun, He will finish. Be not one to deny the power of God in others because they have failed to change on your timetable. And now for something a bit different. As I stated before, I live a pretty liberal take on life. I am far Left politically for someone who identifies themselves as Christian. You might say that I seem to challenge the Grace of God with my behavior and actions. I am a bit jaded with the term "love". So many in my life declare "to love me" and a week later barely seem to know me. I am frequently putting love to the test. Most have fallen short( myself, included), but God has not. Despite my best to prove myself unworthy of favor, I am continually shown up with the amount and frequency of God's love for me. His Grace abounds. This past week my car died. Within a week I had found a new vehicle that perfectly matched all my hopes in what I secretly wanted in a new vehicle. I also received a letter that informed me that a $5000 debt had been erased. I got a call for some work that brought in extra income to pay my bills, and my daughters continue to pour affection upon me, despite being an often grumpy dad who yells too much. The more I fall short, well, the more I fall short. That's it! God's love seems not to be attached to my performance. He judges me by a different standard(Clothed in Christ?). He loves me despite my performance. He sees a me that defies my standards. There is nothing that can separate me from the love of God, even if I vote Democrat! God's Grace defies logic. So next time you see some slob at church that seems to be living a life that still involves living in the world, long after you feel that they should have changed their ways, remember the example of Christ, who chose rather to eat with sinners than hang out with Pharisee's. Someone needed to show them the love of God, and they really weren't likely to show up at the Wednesday night Bible Study. Some of us meet them right were they are, poor examples or not. This is why I remain a Grace Addict.

Daddy, How come the rain is yellow???

I had a lesson in the "Trickle Down Economics" of our times today. You see, I work at a family-style restaurant that serves basic meals for basic prices. We are corporate and we are one step up from "Fast-Food", but we are not even the next step up to Fancy. Basically, that means Denny's and not Applebee's. Your meal with drink will hit ya for for about 10 bucks average ($7-$13 an entree). It is not someplace I work because it makes me rich, but rather because I enjoy my work environment and the people. Peace of mind holds value to me. I may not have that luxury in the near future, but that is a different story. Because we are a casual coffee shop, we often get business types in for extended lunches and meetings. They often order little and stay long. It's part of life. We joke about being the cheapest office space in town. Normally they treat us well, not always, but usually. Today, I waited on 3 business buddies. They seem to know each other well and spoke of events spanning many years. I couldn't help but overhear snippets of their conversation, as they were in a prime table for the duration of the lunch hours. They spoke of the troubles in business and how their investment portfolio's had taken hits 4 years ago. They mused of the woes of the contractor's life and how much the easy profits had become something harder to achieve. They spoke of life and loss, of divorces that hit in the midst of financial crisis, and how even though it had been tough lately, four years ago had come upon them like a surprise storm.

I came to think again that we are all just people at differ levels of life, like I usually view the world. They continued with how tough things were. How hard it was to find good help that did what they wanted at the wages they offered. How tough it was that his 50 acres in McCall was so hard to reach and the 30 acres in Donnelly was so much nicer with the retirement cabin on it, but too far from town to be comfortable. I realized that the difference between current hardship and the prior good life was not that they didn't have wealth, health and business, but rather that the well was simply producing now, instead of gushing with abundance.

They sat in one of my better tables and took it up for the entire lunch rush. I probably could have sat it 3 more times, but that's the way it goes. I can say that they received the best of my service and got prompt and courteous care. As the rich men left they put up there Gold Card and paid there $34 check. I received a $4 tip. This is pretty normal these days. I get between 10-20% on average. I guess I should be happy that they tipped at all. There is so much less to trickle down. Still, hard to hear them bemoan about there housing devolopements and resort acreage while I wonder if I'll pull $40 out of the days shift to feed me and my three children. Must be tough having to count all those assets. Guess 15% was just too much to ask for. I guess I should hope they come in when they sell another home for a big profit. I might even get a fiver!

SHOWN THE DOOR

Shown The Door This seems to be a phrase that is foremost in my window these days. No, I haven't been fired(Yet!). It just seems to be present in my thoughts and my Facebook life. The inciting incident was a series of posts on one of my favorite Facebook pages: The Christian Left. Let me preface my story by saying how much I have enjoyed (and agree with) most of the posts put forward by this prolific page. They champion the causes that I also have come to embrace. They accept and champion out LGBT brothers and sisters. They love and accept our fellow humans who worship other gods or no gods. The message is the universalism of Love. Yes, they proclaim that Christ is real and true, but they proclaim His call to love one another to be the principle that joins us all instead of using Christianity as a means to divide us. There is a lot that goes on in this community and they don't insist that everything said be taken as gospel to all the members. I like that. I am constantly examining things and gaining new insights. I am a work in progress, so I can use a bit of leeway in my journey. I believe that it is found more often in the Christian Left than what I see happening in the more conservative Christian Right.

Recently, there was a series of posts that decried the evils of Dick Cheney. Nothing that surprising, as this page is deeply involved in political posts that counter the right-wing agenda. Some would question whether it's appropriate for either Christian wing to be so engaged, but that is a different discussion for another time. It's Facebook after all. My issue comes from a post that claimed that sometimes the posts are (and I paraphrase),"snarky or hostile, but it's OK because I'm still human even if Christian. Also Jesus got mad, too." Guess what? I got no problem with that! But it went on to say "If you don't like it, there's the door". This is where I got upset. Why is it that I need to be threatened with expulsion if I don't fall in line. It is this kind of talk that has turned me off to the rhetoric of the Right-Wing. The "you will like everything I say or you are not welcome here". What a bunch of self-righteous BS. If you want to express an opinion, great! If you want to silence other opinions then you need to check yourself. I am all about EVERYONE having a right to speak their mind. I don't have to like it, agree with it, or embrace it, but I have to be willing to suffer their right to say it, if I want the same right extended to my opinion. I do not care to be threatened with being "Shown the Door". If I want to leave, I'm sure I can find my way out. I would rather invite others in to share their perspective. I tend to gain more from those who have a different point-of-view than those that parrot my own. Don't get me wrong. I like when others agree with me, but I believe that I learn more when my beliefs are tempered by others' perspectives.

The door should always be open for those who wish to share the journey and the impressions they have gleaned from their unique walk. I cannot know all things. There is not enough time in a lifetime to walk all paths. I can only learn some of these lessons by listening to those who have walked paths I haven't even considered or dreamed of. Life is so full. I must be willing to listen more. I remain a firm believer in the reality of God and His son Jesus Christ. I recognize that there are those who have very different beliefs. My beliefs are secure enough that I don't need to silence those with different opinions. In my thinking, I show a shaky faith when I cannot handle or honor those with different perspectives. Jesus has taken me as I am. I will promote His love by doing the same to those I encounter. They will know I an Christian by my love. And it is in this that I hope to show them the door. Not the door by which to leave, if they dare to dissent from my thinking, but the door into community in this human experience. The door into my life. The door that opens upon love for all God's children.

I hope at the end of my life to walk through the door into the presence of God. Not alone, but with all my brothers and sisters. It will be a lonely afterlife if I spend my time showing people the door out of my life instead of sharing the door into a future of hope, love and acceptance. I have a long way to go and I'm likely to make a few(many) more wrong turns, but as long as the door remains open (along with my heart), I think that I will find many more people walking with me and through the door to the other side.

Me so tHorny

So it's another glorious day in this wonderful world God has created for us. Or at least that's how I see it. I was going to start this post with another self depreciating list of my faults, but rather let's simply leave it at being a sinner saved by grace. I attended one of my alternate churches today. That is to say, one that is closer to home and doesn't require the drive to town. I have heard remarkable sermons delivered at this church, and I have to admit, I like the fact that they carry my hazelnut creamer. Today's sermon was good, but my overly critical ear bristled at a few things. Nothing all that alarming, as I consider my own spiritual walk to be full of likely heresy and contradiction. I was reminded again I fall short of being a good, lockstep Christian. This is nothing new to me(and God); we have few illusions over who I really am. I used to believe I was a truly "good soil" Christian, but I must admit that I am more akin to that seed that fell on the thorny ground. I am just too philosophically bound to my current place and time in this universe to forgo it and live only for my eternal reward. I like life in the 21st century. I enjoy being part of the world. I am captivated by the the vagaries in life, in all its diversity. This is not to say that I do not embrace the realities of Christ and His sacrifice for his creation. It is only to say that I have come to realize that I will ever be good enough or willing enough to lock myself within the confines of the church.

Today, the pastor made a comment that I think is not uncommon in the church. He stated that if a person was not fully dedicated to Christ, they didn't really need to waste their time showing up on Sundays. If attending church was simply a spiritual exercise, and perhaps I need to go home and rethink my commitment before wasting my time. I'm sure the message was intended to motivate me to examine my commitment and to improve upon my effort, but it rarely works for me that way. I simply hear the old "not good enough" message, and rather than improve upon my "not good enough" status, I hear a whisper in my ear that says, "See! You should just go away. You'll never live up". Fortunately, I recognize that that voice is the voice of a liar. You see, I know that my salvation is not based on my "goodness". It is not because I read my Bible, because my prayer life is so fruitful, or because I am God's favorite child. It is because after years of trying to make his children behave in those appropriate ways, God realized we just couldn't do it. So, He chose to do it for us. Perhaps before I am an old man, I will have rid my garden of the last of the weeds and thorns, or perhaps not. Either way, I believe my future with Christ is secured. I love Christ because he loved me first. I take him at his word that my salvation is assured. That's were I put my hope, that is my faith. A one last thought on thorns. Even though they were intended to humiliate him and cause him pain, my Lord wore his crown of thorns on his brow with dignity and honor befitting a King. He did not cast off the thorns of his life, but embraced them, and for this I am forever grateful.

"Homophobia", or "My fear of living in glass houses"

I've always been an odd duck. As a child I was sickly with asthma, I was frail of build, and because of my lack of stamina I was usually last picked to play any sports activity. My father was often gone to work early in the morning and not home until late at night. As such, I was raised primarily by my mother who encouraged my love of old movies particularly musicals with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. As I grew and developed in school. I found I really didn't have an affinity for competition. I never got the whole macho male thing. In fact, as I started to experiment with my human sexuality at a young age. I was more comfortable with fellow male playmates than with girls, because girls of course had cooties. I grew to have a love of theater, even going so far as to gain a theater degree in college. All of this to me sounds like a recipe for becoming gay. And yet I am not, unless you take me at my word that I truly have developed lesbian tendencies. So why all of this later day exposure of my early development? It is only to state that I have been in my life extremely homophobic. I feared the label. I feared that lifestyle. I feared the people involved. Perhaps this is because at an early age, I became aware of the fact that God hated fags. In no way did I want God to hate me, so I joined his team and started hating them as well. Not an active "go beat them up" hate, but simply the treatment of people of same-sex orientation as being somehow less than human. I refuse to get know them. I mean, I interacted with them, after all, I was a theater major, but I wouldn't get to know them for fear that I might become contaminated by their gayness. I have to wonder how many wonderful people in my life I let slip by from close friendship by keeping them at arms length. About three years ago, I reached the pinnacle of my meteoric climb in righteousness. I found myself once again dispensing judgment upon my fellow human beings, because I had become so much more close to God. And yet once again, I started feeling dissatisfied in my own skin, as if perhaps what I consider to be success in my spiritual walk was somehow flawed by my basic beliefs. It was at this point that my church taught a short series called "Please Forgive James", with J.a.m.e.s. being an acronym for how the world perceives Christians as being Judgmental, Arrogant, Mean-spirited, Egotistical,and Self-righteous. something in my heart stirred mightily. You see, I work with someone who's gay, and once again, as I have done so many times in my life, I interacted with this individual, but inside I really wouldn't give them the time of day. After all, he was gay, and God just doesn't approve. Someone doing a crossword puzzle asked for the name of a particular book in the Bible, to fill in the blanks. I, being the Christian, quickly went and pulled up my Bible application on my smart phone and gave him the correct answer. My gay coworker told me that no such book in the Bible existed. I bet him $100 it did, as I was looking at the list of Bible books on my app. He took the bet. Five minutes later, he told me I was right and that he would honor the bet, as he showed me a napkin where he had written out all 66 books of the Bible. I was shocked! How could this "chief of sinners" homosexual man know every book of the Bible from memory? Turns out that he was the son of a pastor who launched churches in his younger days. It also turns out that the church had been a source of pain and rejection to this man for most of his life. It was that day that God told me to lay down my judgments and simply accept the friendship that was offered before me. It has been an enormous blessing. The more I became aware of this man's character, the more I realized how poor of spirit I must be to stand in judgment of him. He is both kinder and more generous than I. In laying down my judgment of others because of their lack of being as Christian as I am, I have been exposed to the wonder of humanity. The same humanity that Christ has told me to love and embrace. I don't pretend to have all the answers. In fact, my pendulum swings so wide. I'm wary of discussing my current beliefs with anyone for fear of the argument that will ensue. I believe Jesus Christ came to earth and died for my sins, and the sins of all of his creation. I believe he loves the believer no more or less than he loves the atheist who still struggles. I believe the working out of the wonder of creation and salvation is a long road that continues until our earthly demise. I also struggle with the veracity of the Bible, as men have monkeyed with it so many times, it's hard to believe that their pettiness, their power struggles, and their desire to manipulate and control for the good of others has not contaminated the purity of the message of God's love. I struggle with some of the messages in the New Testament that Paul has penned that in one hand say God's love is infinite and that salvation is assured for all who believe, but then turns to say that salvation is not assured if you miss some key point or fail in some human failing. I don't wish to debate this with anyone at this point. God is still working on me and our discussions are going well. I will say that currently I don't care who you choose to spend your life (or love)with. I'm more curious about if you treat them with love and respect. Too many of us throw stones at other's lifestyles while completely treating those in our "approved" lifestyles with disrespect and abuse. I will say that I am more of an Inclusivist than an Exclusivist. I am more akin to the Christian Left than the Christian Right. I am more likely to question everything than to "Just Drink the Kool-Aid". I do love Jesus Christ, and I rely on his grace for my salvation, and yet I know my beliefs and actions fall far short of what a true disciple is capable of. God's answer to me continues to be, "It's okay, I love you, it will be all right". Which is pretty amazing considering the drug-addled, hypersexual, judgemental, self-righteous, homophobic jerk I've been for a good part of my life. And to some degree struggle with to this day. You see my latest fear has been that because of my speaking out on behalf of gay marriage and gay equality. That once again, people will take it as de facto that I must just be gay.I guess it's time to quit living the lie and just come to terms with the fact that I'm a lesbian born in a male's body. And God loves me anyway! Peace

"In need of God-Lite" or "There's an Achan in my heart"

My Facebook Post:

I'm smarting with the good old-fashioned Old Testament Smack-Down I received at church this morning. Don't you just love it when they return to the message of judgement under the law of a righteous God and only footnote the solution in we receive from Christ. I'm left feeling like I should quit going to church and just go find my meth pipe again. Thank Jesus that He continues to love me regardless of me being me!

To quote another's post:
Kienan Mick(fb post)
Don't let your hate of 'sin' outgrow your love of redemption. In fact, don't let it grow at all. Because when you do:

Greed chokes off justice for the poor,
Apathy withers empathy for the sick,
Justification drowns compassion for the persecuted.

Love blossoms and grows. Judgment withers and rots.

So, what motivated all this? Today's message in church was drawn from Joshua 7. It describes how Isreal found themselves, once again, in disfavor with God after they had just been given victory over Jericho. One man steals some of the holy spoils against God's specific orders, and God pulls back his favor until justice upon this individual is poured out(in a brutal stoning of his entire household). The man's name is Achan. He is confronted(as is everyone), and admits he did it. His punishment is to stone his entire household and all his belongings and leave them buried under a pile of said stones. This is the righteous action of a just God for failure to obey. I get it! The message of the need to repent before you too get buried in God's wrath comes through loud and clear.
Here is where I start to falter. You see, I have an Achan in my heart! Besides being a great pun, it happens to be true. I too have been given a new life from God. I called on him in the midst of losing my children and my life and he "gave me the land"; I was set free and restored. After some time, I realized that I couldn't do the capital "C" Christian walk. I don't march in lock-step well with others, and I'm prone to pharisee-like behavior. I love being on the righteous side and pointing out your flaws and faults with loving condescension. I love imposing my views on others, for there own good. I'm really good at it. I have a feeling that given enough latitude(read power and control), I could really excel at getting confessions out of sinners and help dispatch then to God with clean consciences(but I digress). Thank God that he stopped my rise in the ranks of the church. Instead, I became uncomfortable with my new life. I began to listen to rock music and to drink and smoke(in moderation). I wandered from the fold. I took the holy life God had restored to me and began to spend it on myself. I keep asking Jesus what was wrong with me, and was always met with the answer that He knows me, He made me, He loves me, and everything is gonna be alright.
You see, I was taught that the Old Testament is a history book that teaches how the Law is insufficient to bring us into a relationship with God. It is a Good Law, it is a Just Law, but due to our very natures, it is never gonna bring us back into the fold. THAT"S WHY JESUS CAME AND SATISFIED THE LAW IN OUR PLACE!!!! I know that it is taught with the best of intentions, but to take us back to the Old Testament for lessons on how to live today just shows how screwed we are without Jesus. There's an Achan in all our hearts! That's why I put all my trust in God-Lite, Jesus Christ. Or more appropriately GOD-LIGHT):
John 8:12 "Then Jesus spoke again to them, saying, I am the Light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life."
Jesus came to make it all work out. He provided the way. He satisfied the Just Law with His own Sinless Life, because we cannot do it, ever. He is the gentler, easier way. All the "guilt trips", all the "stone the sinner in your midsts" couldn't get us to do it right. Love wins where guilt just condemns!
I'm left with this final thought: If the events that lead to the death of Achan and his household had happened when Jesus walked the earth, WWJD(What would Jesus do)? I'm sure it also would have something to do with stones, but likely a more merciful outcome.

Joh 8:1 But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.
Joh 8:2 And early in the morning He came again into the temple, and all the people came to Him. And He sat down and taught them.
Joh 8:3 And the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman taken in adultery. And standing her in the midst,
Joh 8:4 they said to Him, Teacher, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.
Joh 8:5 Now Moses in the Law commanded us that such should be stoned. You, then, what do you say?
Joh 8:6 They said this, tempting Him so that they might have reason to accuse Him. But bending down, Jesus wrote on the ground with His finger, not appearing to hear.
Joh 8:7 But as they continued to ask Him, He lifted Himself up and said to them, He who is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her.
Joh 8:8 And again bending down, He wrote on the ground.
Joh 8:9 And hearing, and being convicted by conscience, they went out one by one, beginning at the oldest, until the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.
Joh 8:10 And bending back up, and seeing no one but the woman, Jesus said to her, Woman, where are the ones who accused you? Did not one give judgment against you?
Joh 8:11 And she said, No one, Lord. And Jesus said to her, Neither do I give judgment. Go, and sin no more.
Joh 8:12 Then Jesus spoke again to them, saying, I am the Light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

Good Intentions Highway

I was at the Rock and Worship Roadshow last night in Boise when I was struck by an epiphany: Politicization/Legislation of Christianity in America may well be the biggest blunder to promoting the Gospel since the Inquisition.
I will say up front that my Faith has been all over the map. I can most likely be described currently as Christian-Left, but it's really more eclectic than that. My faith is in Christ and Christ alone and I do rely on His Grace; the rest I question daily. I have been following the news of the day with the Republican Primaries with great interest, as well as many of the laws being proposed on the state level with regards to abortion, contraceptives, and personhood. I am pro-life, but also pro-choice(on many issues, not just abortion), but that's another whole blog. To cut to the quick, I am likely to vote for President Obama this time, although I voted for McCain, last time. All that said, let me elaborate on my "epiphany" of last night.
I believe that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is something that is promoted on the heart level, not the political arena. It is a personal call to the individual, by God, through believers and other situations. If we become so boisterous as to insist that our view become everyone's view through legislation and the legal process, we alienate all those who hold different views. In a sense, we solidify their view that we are JAMES(Judgemental, arrogant, mean-spirited, egotistical, and self-rightious). We can not win over hearts and minds to the gospel of love by insisting that they follow it or we will lock them up.

This also speaks to the fact that there are many interpretations of christian belief within our own camps. Who's interpretation becomes the approved one? It is a very slippery slope created with the best of intentions. God is already enthroned in the hearts of believers, to enforce it in the codes of a society that has people of many beliefs and creeds is to alienate all those with differing beliefs. There is a reason that the Founding Fathers made a point of not requiring/allowing any religious test for our elected officials. Further, they made laws that allowed religious freedom, not just protection for religion, but freedom FROM religion.
The christian-right may well win the vote, but in the process we will likely push those on the fence to the gospel into the opposing camp. People are not fond of being forced into anything. If that were the case, God could have simply taken away our free will and made us into worship-bots. He wants us to choose Him, of our own free will. That no longer becomes an option if we are legislated into being Christians, like-it-or-not!
Lets get back to loving all of God's children and letting God open the doors to hearts by being the people he has called us to be. As the song states: They will know we are christians by our love", not by our political agenda.