"Homophobia", or "My fear of living in glass houses"

I've always been an odd duck. As a child I was sickly with asthma, I was frail of build, and because of my lack of stamina I was usually last picked to play any sports activity. My father was often gone to work early in the morning and not home until late at night. As such, I was raised primarily by my mother who encouraged my love of old movies particularly musicals with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. As I grew and developed in school. I found I really didn't have an affinity for competition. I never got the whole macho male thing. In fact, as I started to experiment with my human sexuality at a young age. I was more comfortable with fellow male playmates than with girls, because girls of course had cooties. I grew to have a love of theater, even going so far as to gain a theater degree in college. All of this to me sounds like a recipe for becoming gay. And yet I am not, unless you take me at my word that I truly have developed lesbian tendencies. So why all of this later day exposure of my early development? It is only to state that I have been in my life extremely homophobic. I feared the label. I feared that lifestyle. I feared the people involved. Perhaps this is because at an early age, I became aware of the fact that God hated fags. In no way did I want God to hate me, so I joined his team and started hating them as well. Not an active "go beat them up" hate, but simply the treatment of people of same-sex orientation as being somehow less than human. I refuse to get know them. I mean, I interacted with them, after all, I was a theater major, but I wouldn't get to know them for fear that I might become contaminated by their gayness. I have to wonder how many wonderful people in my life I let slip by from close friendship by keeping them at arms length. About three years ago, I reached the pinnacle of my meteoric climb in righteousness. I found myself once again dispensing judgment upon my fellow human beings, because I had become so much more close to God. And yet once again, I started feeling dissatisfied in my own skin, as if perhaps what I consider to be success in my spiritual walk was somehow flawed by my basic beliefs. It was at this point that my church taught a short series called "Please Forgive James", with J.a.m.e.s. being an acronym for how the world perceives Christians as being Judgmental, Arrogant, Mean-spirited, Egotistical,and Self-righteous. something in my heart stirred mightily. You see, I work with someone who's gay, and once again, as I have done so many times in my life, I interacted with this individual, but inside I really wouldn't give them the time of day. After all, he was gay, and God just doesn't approve. Someone doing a crossword puzzle asked for the name of a particular book in the Bible, to fill in the blanks. I, being the Christian, quickly went and pulled up my Bible application on my smart phone and gave him the correct answer. My gay coworker told me that no such book in the Bible existed. I bet him $100 it did, as I was looking at the list of Bible books on my app. He took the bet. Five minutes later, he told me I was right and that he would honor the bet, as he showed me a napkin where he had written out all 66 books of the Bible. I was shocked! How could this "chief of sinners" homosexual man know every book of the Bible from memory? Turns out that he was the son of a pastor who launched churches in his younger days. It also turns out that the church had been a source of pain and rejection to this man for most of his life. It was that day that God told me to lay down my judgments and simply accept the friendship that was offered before me. It has been an enormous blessing. The more I became aware of this man's character, the more I realized how poor of spirit I must be to stand in judgment of him. He is both kinder and more generous than I. In laying down my judgment of others because of their lack of being as Christian as I am, I have been exposed to the wonder of humanity. The same humanity that Christ has told me to love and embrace. I don't pretend to have all the answers. In fact, my pendulum swings so wide. I'm wary of discussing my current beliefs with anyone for fear of the argument that will ensue. I believe Jesus Christ came to earth and died for my sins, and the sins of all of his creation. I believe he loves the believer no more or less than he loves the atheist who still struggles. I believe the working out of the wonder of creation and salvation is a long road that continues until our earthly demise. I also struggle with the veracity of the Bible, as men have monkeyed with it so many times, it's hard to believe that their pettiness, their power struggles, and their desire to manipulate and control for the good of others has not contaminated the purity of the message of God's love. I struggle with some of the messages in the New Testament that Paul has penned that in one hand say God's love is infinite and that salvation is assured for all who believe, but then turns to say that salvation is not assured if you miss some key point or fail in some human failing. I don't wish to debate this with anyone at this point. God is still working on me and our discussions are going well. I will say that currently I don't care who you choose to spend your life (or love)with. I'm more curious about if you treat them with love and respect. Too many of us throw stones at other's lifestyles while completely treating those in our "approved" lifestyles with disrespect and abuse. I will say that I am more of an Inclusivist than an Exclusivist. I am more akin to the Christian Left than the Christian Right. I am more likely to question everything than to "Just Drink the Kool-Aid". I do love Jesus Christ, and I rely on his grace for my salvation, and yet I know my beliefs and actions fall far short of what a true disciple is capable of. God's answer to me continues to be, "It's okay, I love you, it will be all right". Which is pretty amazing considering the drug-addled, hypersexual, judgemental, self-righteous, homophobic jerk I've been for a good part of my life. And to some degree struggle with to this day. You see my latest fear has been that because of my speaking out on behalf of gay marriage and gay equality. That once again, people will take it as de facto that I must just be gay.I guess it's time to quit living the lie and just come to terms with the fact that I'm a lesbian born in a male's body. And God loves me anyway! Peace

"In need of God-Lite" or "There's an Achan in my heart"

My Facebook Post:

I'm smarting with the good old-fashioned Old Testament Smack-Down I received at church this morning. Don't you just love it when they return to the message of judgement under the law of a righteous God and only footnote the solution in we receive from Christ. I'm left feeling like I should quit going to church and just go find my meth pipe again. Thank Jesus that He continues to love me regardless of me being me!

To quote another's post:
Kienan Mick(fb post)
Don't let your hate of 'sin' outgrow your love of redemption. In fact, don't let it grow at all. Because when you do:

Greed chokes off justice for the poor,
Apathy withers empathy for the sick,
Justification drowns compassion for the persecuted.

Love blossoms and grows. Judgment withers and rots.

So, what motivated all this? Today's message in church was drawn from Joshua 7. It describes how Isreal found themselves, once again, in disfavor with God after they had just been given victory over Jericho. One man steals some of the holy spoils against God's specific orders, and God pulls back his favor until justice upon this individual is poured out(in a brutal stoning of his entire household). The man's name is Achan. He is confronted(as is everyone), and admits he did it. His punishment is to stone his entire household and all his belongings and leave them buried under a pile of said stones. This is the righteous action of a just God for failure to obey. I get it! The message of the need to repent before you too get buried in God's wrath comes through loud and clear.
Here is where I start to falter. You see, I have an Achan in my heart! Besides being a great pun, it happens to be true. I too have been given a new life from God. I called on him in the midst of losing my children and my life and he "gave me the land"; I was set free and restored. After some time, I realized that I couldn't do the capital "C" Christian walk. I don't march in lock-step well with others, and I'm prone to pharisee-like behavior. I love being on the righteous side and pointing out your flaws and faults with loving condescension. I love imposing my views on others, for there own good. I'm really good at it. I have a feeling that given enough latitude(read power and control), I could really excel at getting confessions out of sinners and help dispatch then to God with clean consciences(but I digress). Thank God that he stopped my rise in the ranks of the church. Instead, I became uncomfortable with my new life. I began to listen to rock music and to drink and smoke(in moderation). I wandered from the fold. I took the holy life God had restored to me and began to spend it on myself. I keep asking Jesus what was wrong with me, and was always met with the answer that He knows me, He made me, He loves me, and everything is gonna be alright.
You see, I was taught that the Old Testament is a history book that teaches how the Law is insufficient to bring us into a relationship with God. It is a Good Law, it is a Just Law, but due to our very natures, it is never gonna bring us back into the fold. THAT"S WHY JESUS CAME AND SATISFIED THE LAW IN OUR PLACE!!!! I know that it is taught with the best of intentions, but to take us back to the Old Testament for lessons on how to live today just shows how screwed we are without Jesus. There's an Achan in all our hearts! That's why I put all my trust in God-Lite, Jesus Christ. Or more appropriately GOD-LIGHT):
John 8:12 "Then Jesus spoke again to them, saying, I am the Light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life."
Jesus came to make it all work out. He provided the way. He satisfied the Just Law with His own Sinless Life, because we cannot do it, ever. He is the gentler, easier way. All the "guilt trips", all the "stone the sinner in your midsts" couldn't get us to do it right. Love wins where guilt just condemns!
I'm left with this final thought: If the events that lead to the death of Achan and his household had happened when Jesus walked the earth, WWJD(What would Jesus do)? I'm sure it also would have something to do with stones, but likely a more merciful outcome.

Joh 8:1 But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.
Joh 8:2 And early in the morning He came again into the temple, and all the people came to Him. And He sat down and taught them.
Joh 8:3 And the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman taken in adultery. And standing her in the midst,
Joh 8:4 they said to Him, Teacher, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.
Joh 8:5 Now Moses in the Law commanded us that such should be stoned. You, then, what do you say?
Joh 8:6 They said this, tempting Him so that they might have reason to accuse Him. But bending down, Jesus wrote on the ground with His finger, not appearing to hear.
Joh 8:7 But as they continued to ask Him, He lifted Himself up and said to them, He who is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her.
Joh 8:8 And again bending down, He wrote on the ground.
Joh 8:9 And hearing, and being convicted by conscience, they went out one by one, beginning at the oldest, until the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.
Joh 8:10 And bending back up, and seeing no one but the woman, Jesus said to her, Woman, where are the ones who accused you? Did not one give judgment against you?
Joh 8:11 And she said, No one, Lord. And Jesus said to her, Neither do I give judgment. Go, and sin no more.
Joh 8:12 Then Jesus spoke again to them, saying, I am the Light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.