Me so tHorny

So it's another glorious day in this wonderful world God has created for us. Or at least that's how I see it. I was going to start this post with another self depreciating list of my faults, but rather let's simply leave it at being a sinner saved by grace. I attended one of my alternate churches today. That is to say, one that is closer to home and doesn't require the drive to town. I have heard remarkable sermons delivered at this church, and I have to admit, I like the fact that they carry my hazelnut creamer. Today's sermon was good, but my overly critical ear bristled at a few things. Nothing all that alarming, as I consider my own spiritual walk to be full of likely heresy and contradiction. I was reminded again I fall short of being a good, lockstep Christian. This is nothing new to me(and God); we have few illusions over who I really am. I used to believe I was a truly "good soil" Christian, but I must admit that I am more akin to that seed that fell on the thorny ground. I am just too philosophically bound to my current place and time in this universe to forgo it and live only for my eternal reward. I like life in the 21st century. I enjoy being part of the world. I am captivated by the the vagaries in life, in all its diversity. This is not to say that I do not embrace the realities of Christ and His sacrifice for his creation. It is only to say that I have come to realize that I will ever be good enough or willing enough to lock myself within the confines of the church.

Today, the pastor made a comment that I think is not uncommon in the church. He stated that if a person was not fully dedicated to Christ, they didn't really need to waste their time showing up on Sundays. If attending church was simply a spiritual exercise, and perhaps I need to go home and rethink my commitment before wasting my time. I'm sure the message was intended to motivate me to examine my commitment and to improve upon my effort, but it rarely works for me that way. I simply hear the old "not good enough" message, and rather than improve upon my "not good enough" status, I hear a whisper in my ear that says, "See! You should just go away. You'll never live up". Fortunately, I recognize that that voice is the voice of a liar. You see, I know that my salvation is not based on my "goodness". It is not because I read my Bible, because my prayer life is so fruitful, or because I am God's favorite child. It is because after years of trying to make his children behave in those appropriate ways, God realized we just couldn't do it. So, He chose to do it for us. Perhaps before I am an old man, I will have rid my garden of the last of the weeds and thorns, or perhaps not. Either way, I believe my future with Christ is secured. I love Christ because he loved me first. I take him at his word that my salvation is assured. That's were I put my hope, that is my faith. A one last thought on thorns. Even though they were intended to humiliate him and cause him pain, my Lord wore his crown of thorns on his brow with dignity and honor befitting a King. He did not cast off the thorns of his life, but embraced them, and for this I am forever grateful.

"Homophobia", or "My fear of living in glass houses"

I've always been an odd duck. As a child I was sickly with asthma, I was frail of build, and because of my lack of stamina I was usually last picked to play any sports activity. My father was often gone to work early in the morning and not home until late at night. As such, I was raised primarily by my mother who encouraged my love of old movies particularly musicals with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. As I grew and developed in school. I found I really didn't have an affinity for competition. I never got the whole macho male thing. In fact, as I started to experiment with my human sexuality at a young age. I was more comfortable with fellow male playmates than with girls, because girls of course had cooties. I grew to have a love of theater, even going so far as to gain a theater degree in college. All of this to me sounds like a recipe for becoming gay. And yet I am not, unless you take me at my word that I truly have developed lesbian tendencies. So why all of this later day exposure of my early development? It is only to state that I have been in my life extremely homophobic. I feared the label. I feared that lifestyle. I feared the people involved. Perhaps this is because at an early age, I became aware of the fact that God hated fags. In no way did I want God to hate me, so I joined his team and started hating them as well. Not an active "go beat them up" hate, but simply the treatment of people of same-sex orientation as being somehow less than human. I refuse to get know them. I mean, I interacted with them, after all, I was a theater major, but I wouldn't get to know them for fear that I might become contaminated by their gayness. I have to wonder how many wonderful people in my life I let slip by from close friendship by keeping them at arms length. About three years ago, I reached the pinnacle of my meteoric climb in righteousness. I found myself once again dispensing judgment upon my fellow human beings, because I had become so much more close to God. And yet once again, I started feeling dissatisfied in my own skin, as if perhaps what I consider to be success in my spiritual walk was somehow flawed by my basic beliefs. It was at this point that my church taught a short series called "Please Forgive James", with J.a.m.e.s. being an acronym for how the world perceives Christians as being Judgmental, Arrogant, Mean-spirited, Egotistical,and Self-righteous. something in my heart stirred mightily. You see, I work with someone who's gay, and once again, as I have done so many times in my life, I interacted with this individual, but inside I really wouldn't give them the time of day. After all, he was gay, and God just doesn't approve. Someone doing a crossword puzzle asked for the name of a particular book in the Bible, to fill in the blanks. I, being the Christian, quickly went and pulled up my Bible application on my smart phone and gave him the correct answer. My gay coworker told me that no such book in the Bible existed. I bet him $100 it did, as I was looking at the list of Bible books on my app. He took the bet. Five minutes later, he told me I was right and that he would honor the bet, as he showed me a napkin where he had written out all 66 books of the Bible. I was shocked! How could this "chief of sinners" homosexual man know every book of the Bible from memory? Turns out that he was the son of a pastor who launched churches in his younger days. It also turns out that the church had been a source of pain and rejection to this man for most of his life. It was that day that God told me to lay down my judgments and simply accept the friendship that was offered before me. It has been an enormous blessing. The more I became aware of this man's character, the more I realized how poor of spirit I must be to stand in judgment of him. He is both kinder and more generous than I. In laying down my judgment of others because of their lack of being as Christian as I am, I have been exposed to the wonder of humanity. The same humanity that Christ has told me to love and embrace. I don't pretend to have all the answers. In fact, my pendulum swings so wide. I'm wary of discussing my current beliefs with anyone for fear of the argument that will ensue. I believe Jesus Christ came to earth and died for my sins, and the sins of all of his creation. I believe he loves the believer no more or less than he loves the atheist who still struggles. I believe the working out of the wonder of creation and salvation is a long road that continues until our earthly demise. I also struggle with the veracity of the Bible, as men have monkeyed with it so many times, it's hard to believe that their pettiness, their power struggles, and their desire to manipulate and control for the good of others has not contaminated the purity of the message of God's love. I struggle with some of the messages in the New Testament that Paul has penned that in one hand say God's love is infinite and that salvation is assured for all who believe, but then turns to say that salvation is not assured if you miss some key point or fail in some human failing. I don't wish to debate this with anyone at this point. God is still working on me and our discussions are going well. I will say that currently I don't care who you choose to spend your life (or love)with. I'm more curious about if you treat them with love and respect. Too many of us throw stones at other's lifestyles while completely treating those in our "approved" lifestyles with disrespect and abuse. I will say that I am more of an Inclusivist than an Exclusivist. I am more akin to the Christian Left than the Christian Right. I am more likely to question everything than to "Just Drink the Kool-Aid". I do love Jesus Christ, and I rely on his grace for my salvation, and yet I know my beliefs and actions fall far short of what a true disciple is capable of. God's answer to me continues to be, "It's okay, I love you, it will be all right". Which is pretty amazing considering the drug-addled, hypersexual, judgemental, self-righteous, homophobic jerk I've been for a good part of my life. And to some degree struggle with to this day. You see my latest fear has been that because of my speaking out on behalf of gay marriage and gay equality. That once again, people will take it as de facto that I must just be gay.I guess it's time to quit living the lie and just come to terms with the fact that I'm a lesbian born in a male's body. And God loves me anyway! Peace

"In need of God-Lite" or "There's an Achan in my heart"

My Facebook Post:

I'm smarting with the good old-fashioned Old Testament Smack-Down I received at church this morning. Don't you just love it when they return to the message of judgement under the law of a righteous God and only footnote the solution in we receive from Christ. I'm left feeling like I should quit going to church and just go find my meth pipe again. Thank Jesus that He continues to love me regardless of me being me!

To quote another's post:
Kienan Mick(fb post)
Don't let your hate of 'sin' outgrow your love of redemption. In fact, don't let it grow at all. Because when you do:

Greed chokes off justice for the poor,
Apathy withers empathy for the sick,
Justification drowns compassion for the persecuted.

Love blossoms and grows. Judgment withers and rots.

So, what motivated all this? Today's message in church was drawn from Joshua 7. It describes how Isreal found themselves, once again, in disfavor with God after they had just been given victory over Jericho. One man steals some of the holy spoils against God's specific orders, and God pulls back his favor until justice upon this individual is poured out(in a brutal stoning of his entire household). The man's name is Achan. He is confronted(as is everyone), and admits he did it. His punishment is to stone his entire household and all his belongings and leave them buried under a pile of said stones. This is the righteous action of a just God for failure to obey. I get it! The message of the need to repent before you too get buried in God's wrath comes through loud and clear.
Here is where I start to falter. You see, I have an Achan in my heart! Besides being a great pun, it happens to be true. I too have been given a new life from God. I called on him in the midst of losing my children and my life and he "gave me the land"; I was set free and restored. After some time, I realized that I couldn't do the capital "C" Christian walk. I don't march in lock-step well with others, and I'm prone to pharisee-like behavior. I love being on the righteous side and pointing out your flaws and faults with loving condescension. I love imposing my views on others, for there own good. I'm really good at it. I have a feeling that given enough latitude(read power and control), I could really excel at getting confessions out of sinners and help dispatch then to God with clean consciences(but I digress). Thank God that he stopped my rise in the ranks of the church. Instead, I became uncomfortable with my new life. I began to listen to rock music and to drink and smoke(in moderation). I wandered from the fold. I took the holy life God had restored to me and began to spend it on myself. I keep asking Jesus what was wrong with me, and was always met with the answer that He knows me, He made me, He loves me, and everything is gonna be alright.
You see, I was taught that the Old Testament is a history book that teaches how the Law is insufficient to bring us into a relationship with God. It is a Good Law, it is a Just Law, but due to our very natures, it is never gonna bring us back into the fold. THAT"S WHY JESUS CAME AND SATISFIED THE LAW IN OUR PLACE!!!! I know that it is taught with the best of intentions, but to take us back to the Old Testament for lessons on how to live today just shows how screwed we are without Jesus. There's an Achan in all our hearts! That's why I put all my trust in God-Lite, Jesus Christ. Or more appropriately GOD-LIGHT):
John 8:12 "Then Jesus spoke again to them, saying, I am the Light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life."
Jesus came to make it all work out. He provided the way. He satisfied the Just Law with His own Sinless Life, because we cannot do it, ever. He is the gentler, easier way. All the "guilt trips", all the "stone the sinner in your midsts" couldn't get us to do it right. Love wins where guilt just condemns!
I'm left with this final thought: If the events that lead to the death of Achan and his household had happened when Jesus walked the earth, WWJD(What would Jesus do)? I'm sure it also would have something to do with stones, but likely a more merciful outcome.

Joh 8:1 But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.
Joh 8:2 And early in the morning He came again into the temple, and all the people came to Him. And He sat down and taught them.
Joh 8:3 And the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman taken in adultery. And standing her in the midst,
Joh 8:4 they said to Him, Teacher, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.
Joh 8:5 Now Moses in the Law commanded us that such should be stoned. You, then, what do you say?
Joh 8:6 They said this, tempting Him so that they might have reason to accuse Him. But bending down, Jesus wrote on the ground with His finger, not appearing to hear.
Joh 8:7 But as they continued to ask Him, He lifted Himself up and said to them, He who is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her.
Joh 8:8 And again bending down, He wrote on the ground.
Joh 8:9 And hearing, and being convicted by conscience, they went out one by one, beginning at the oldest, until the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.
Joh 8:10 And bending back up, and seeing no one but the woman, Jesus said to her, Woman, where are the ones who accused you? Did not one give judgment against you?
Joh 8:11 And she said, No one, Lord. And Jesus said to her, Neither do I give judgment. Go, and sin no more.
Joh 8:12 Then Jesus spoke again to them, saying, I am the Light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

Good Intentions Highway

I was at the Rock and Worship Roadshow last night in Boise when I was struck by an epiphany: Politicization/Legislation of Christianity in America may well be the biggest blunder to promoting the Gospel since the Inquisition.
I will say up front that my Faith has been all over the map. I can most likely be described currently as Christian-Left, but it's really more eclectic than that. My faith is in Christ and Christ alone and I do rely on His Grace; the rest I question daily. I have been following the news of the day with the Republican Primaries with great interest, as well as many of the laws being proposed on the state level with regards to abortion, contraceptives, and personhood. I am pro-life, but also pro-choice(on many issues, not just abortion), but that's another whole blog. To cut to the quick, I am likely to vote for President Obama this time, although I voted for McCain, last time. All that said, let me elaborate on my "epiphany" of last night.
I believe that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is something that is promoted on the heart level, not the political arena. It is a personal call to the individual, by God, through believers and other situations. If we become so boisterous as to insist that our view become everyone's view through legislation and the legal process, we alienate all those who hold different views. In a sense, we solidify their view that we are JAMES(Judgemental, arrogant, mean-spirited, egotistical, and self-rightious). We can not win over hearts and minds to the gospel of love by insisting that they follow it or we will lock them up.

This also speaks to the fact that there are many interpretations of christian belief within our own camps. Who's interpretation becomes the approved one? It is a very slippery slope created with the best of intentions. God is already enthroned in the hearts of believers, to enforce it in the codes of a society that has people of many beliefs and creeds is to alienate all those with differing beliefs. There is a reason that the Founding Fathers made a point of not requiring/allowing any religious test for our elected officials. Further, they made laws that allowed religious freedom, not just protection for religion, but freedom FROM religion.
The christian-right may well win the vote, but in the process we will likely push those on the fence to the gospel into the opposing camp. People are not fond of being forced into anything. If that were the case, God could have simply taken away our free will and made us into worship-bots. He wants us to choose Him, of our own free will. That no longer becomes an option if we are legislated into being Christians, like-it-or-not!
Lets get back to loving all of God's children and letting God open the doors to hearts by being the people he has called us to be. As the song states: They will know we are christians by our love", not by our political agenda.

Learning (Earning) Respect

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted. I have been going through a lot of changes, and yet I have kept quiet since last May. I figure it is likely that I have been living with some fear that my thoughts may expose too much of my true feelings and I don't want to alarm anyone with pendulum swinging thoughts until they settle a bit. In a nut shell, I have returned to my liberal-leaning view of life while retaining my firm belief in a loving Creator and His plan for loving All his creation through the sacrifice of Christ. That being said, I am working through several issues that don't fit comfortably into the box. Frankly, I question several tenets of mainstream Christianity. I question the absolute voracity of Scripture, as I know how man likes to manipulate and alter things to reinforce the view the group in power wants to promote. I also have a real hard time with lines that tell me to disregard my own feelings and perceptions and just do as I'm told. I've never been good at blindly accepting anything. Does this mean that I don't believe God's Word? No, rather that I believe God gave me a brain ( and yes even this wicked heart)to use to work through these thoughts. I reject that every errant and stray thought "breaks God's heart". He knows me. He made me. Nothing I do, say, or think comes as a surprise to God.
So much for the preface.
I have come to accept and support the diversity of Creation. I currently feel that it's OK to allow others to believe and live as they choose; i.e. to offer respect to a wide variety of beliefs and lifestyles. I don't care if your Muslim, Atheist, Polytheist, or Mormon. I am called to love you all without reservation. I don't care if you want to live your life with someone of your own sex and share in the joys and sorrows of marriage. I am called to love you unconditionally; without reservation. I don't care if you drink, smoke, burp, or like to eat fried grasshoppers. Do you do it responsibly without harming those around you? More power to you. Life is hard enough without me telling you that you are going to Hell for believing differently than me.
You see, I have seen and observed throughout history that any group can, and has, abused their fellow man in the "name of(fill in the blank)". If your reason for being cruel and unloving towards your fellow man is your own righteous belief system, something is wrong. So, I have chosen to follow what I feel is the heart of God: to love one another. You see, I didn't find God, He found me. And oddly enough, despite my various side trips in life, He continues to draw me. Not though condemnation, but though patience and love.
So whoever you are, I support, accept and love you to the best of my current ability; which is not always so noble, as I am a human and prone to being a bit of a jerk at times. I am learning though. I feel more inclined to come to your defense than to put you down these days. This is the respect that my blog title alludes to.
So now for the inciting incident that got these juices flowing enough to blog: I recently had a friend, that I used to discuss Christianity with(he was a professed Christian), get excited about an article in the paper that Atheists had taken over a city park for Christmas and had put up several displays to mock Christian beliefs. The disturbing thing was that he was joining in the mocking. Apparently his beliefs have so changed that he now hates Christians. I was hurt, and concerned for his soul, etc. Then I got the epiphany that this is how so many others have felt for so long as we Christians insult and mock them for there different views. In mocking another there is no love for others only love for self. I could just hear the argument that, "turn around is fair play", but a little louder I heard, "two wrongs don't make a right". It just confirmed my viewpoint that heavy-handed insistence that others adopt my beliefs is wrong, no matter who is saying it. The nice thing is that, unlike before, I felt that I didn't need to come to God's defense. It's OK if today my friend wants to question the reality of God. He doesn't need to believe in God, God still believes in him. And allowed enough space to pursue his own understanding, he to will likely run into God in his own powerful way. Or not! It's not my call. My call is to love him anyway, and yes, even offer him the respect that I so eagerly want extended to me.
"Today God, Please keep me humble. Let me come to the aid of those persecuted for their beliefs, even if they differ from my own. Let me be counted amonst those who put love of others above love of self(or love of being right). let me lighten the load of the oppressed instead of adding to it. Thank you for letting me live with the assurance that in the end, Love Wins. Amen"

It's Lonely out in Space....

"Captain, we're running out of power"

I had my 46th birthday in Las Vegas, yesterday! I made the trip down, across the desert with my three young children in a '78 Toyota Motorhome. The trip was fun, but once we hit Vegas, I just couldn't get my wind up. I enjoyed a nice time with my Father for a late lunch and then joined up with additional family(Brother Garth,Niece Jessica, Nephew Gabriel and his wife Therese, and My Step-Mother Barbara) for an early dinner. Then off to a friends house to settle kids and contemplate my Milestone in Sin City(My Hometown, actually). So many options, So many memories! I have thrown Toga Parties, Huge Keggers, I've chased my share of thrills and adventures. My Birthday is a reason to CELEBRATE!!!!
In the end, I laid down feeling old, tired, and blue.

I debated the options and found that I was enjoying having someone else keep my kids busy while I enjoyed some peace.I didn't feel like taking my motorhome to the casino and figured I'd rather have that hundred bucks in my pocket in the morning than donate it to the casino.
I used to celebrate things like this with my brother, but he isn't talking to me right now. Life goes on. I did get a call from a long-lost, recently-found friend who happened to remember that May 13th was special for some reason, and thought it might be my Birthday(no FB notice). I also received about 50 "Happy Birthday's" from my FB family. Always appreciated! I got a camera from Dad, and help for the trip from Mom. I got cupcakes from Felicia(with help from the girls)
Best of all, I got flowers and cards and kisses and the birthday song about 4 times from my very lovely daughters. I also got some rest(much needed, I guess).
I want to bemoan the lack of dancing girls(who all want to bed me), the Power Powders that used to make me feel like a Rock Star, and the Party that featured my favorite bands playing tribute to my birth. But this year, Sex, Drugs, and Rock-n-Roll took a pass. They had prior obligations! Or maybe they were right where they always are, and I just never showed! Pretty lame effort for a birthday bash in Vegas!
I will say that Vegas for me isn't Vegas for most others. It is my hometown and is more akin to memories past than the "VEGAS, BABY" most think of. This is the town of ghosts for me. Hotels no longer standing, rights of passage long past. Favorite spots now changed forever.
Am I done? Am I past my prime? Is that all she wrote? I tend to think that this must be Half-time. I have finally landed smach dab in the middle of Middle-age. It was a time to reflect, relax, regroup, and with a pep-talk from the coach get ready to re-emerge out of the locker-room and take the field for the second half of the game. I don't care what the scoreboard says. I'm gonna give it my all and see this game through to the end like a champion.
So Happy Birthday to Me! Thanks to all the well-wishers. And thank God for benching me during the last play of the first half. I have a feeling I was getting ready to hurt myself.
Now, Let's play ball!!!!!!

Open Letter to an Atheist/Reposted

Open Letter to an Atheist

God Is Love.
Take any argument that uses God as a subject and replace it with the word love. Love cannot be proven. Love is responsible for passions in men that go beyond logic. I would argue that love is not the reason for wars , and other atrocities, but then again self love-ie pride-is. That results from considering our selves, God.
So why God? Order! You see, everything has order. Even the randomness of chaos appears to operate in a playing field of order. Who says that God had to provide this order? He did, for one. Many brilliant and educated minds have sought out truth and come to the same conclusion. It appears so easy to label those who have come to conclusion that there is some form of intelligence behind the order in the universe as brainwashed morons believing in superstition (or please insert any derogatory statement that reduces the debate to namecalling) and those who hold a different opinion as “freethinkers(etc,), that it's difficult to wish to enter the discussion. But having done so I will put forth a few points to “freely think” about.
Why Order? What is it that makes any of it work? I became convinced of the existence of God during my 9th grade biology class. We were studying skin cells. And the complexity of how a single cell manages to operate is spectacular. Now I can agree that we have come to understand how these things operate, but not why. At every level we find a complexity of order that is beyond our ability to create.
But we create all kinds of stuff, you say. I would put forth that we assemble/rearrange/build a great deal, but that man has yet to create a single thing. All matter that was, is. Even the birth process of our own people is a series of seemingly near impossible events that must take place in perfect sequence for a new person to emerge. We can manipulate it, but we cannot create it. Do you really believe that random chaos is is conducive to life? It works for destruction(something we are pretty good at), but not so good in creation.
Why morality? What leads us to believe that there is any truth whatsoever? I mean if truth is relative, than my truth is your false, and Hitler or Dalmer was no more right or wrong than Ghandi or Mother Theresa. An easy one to shout out a “yes, that's right”, to, but think about it. If there is no right and wrong( universal truth) than the whole argument is moot. There is no logic. No ability to discern, we break down into randomness and chaos. A=B will not work because I can assert that my truth is to counter yours and we are left with namecalling and chaos. So we simply agree that killing small children to make tacos is socially unacceptable, at this time( some would call this a social contract). I don't know about you, but I have a real sense that killing small children is wrong. I also get a strong conviction that helping someone who is in an auto accident is right. I call it morality, but I suspect it borders on truth. Why do we have any sense of right and wrong if we are nothing but evolved monkeys? What is it about us that even let's us develop the ability to codify Logic(which oddly enough is based on the concept that things are true or false)?
Why Beauty? While I recognize that this is a largely subjective concept, I do put forth that the mere concept of beauty is in contradiction to the “evolved monkey” concept. We are the only creature that even appears to have any concept of appreciating beauty. We sing about it, write about it, focus on the search for it, and yes, we find it. Although our individual definitions vary we all find beauty in the things in our world, even if that beauty is something like a well executed play on a football field or a well finessed debate in the boardroom, instead of a painting by Da Vinci, a symphony by Mozart, or the smile on your childs face. Or even a sunset, a flower or a single skin cell. Beauty is all around us, and though you can coldly say it is only in the eye of the beholder, it does exist, despite insisting that it really doesn't. A world without beauty would be a pretty bleak place, one without order, one without truth, one without love, one without God.
But we don't live in that world...Do we???
Remember, God is Love