I've always been an odd duck. As a child I was sickly with asthma, I was frail of build, and because of my lack of stamina I was usually last picked to play any sports activity. My father was often gone to work early in the morning and not home until late at night. As such, I was raised primarily by my mother who encouraged my love of old movies particularly musicals with Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. As I grew and developed in school. I found I really didn't have an affinity for competition. I never got the whole macho male thing. In fact, as I started to experiment with my human sexuality at a young age. I was more comfortable with fellow male playmates than with girls, because girls of course had cooties. I grew to have a love of theater, even going so far as to gain a theater degree in college. All of this to me sounds like a recipe for becoming gay. And yet I am not, unless you take me at my word that I truly have developed lesbian tendencies.
So why all of this later day exposure of my early development? It is only to state that I have been in my life extremely homophobic. I feared the label. I feared that lifestyle. I feared the people involved. Perhaps this is because at an early age, I became aware of the fact that God hated fags. In no way did I want God to hate me, so I joined his team and started hating them as well. Not an active "go beat them up" hate, but simply the treatment of people of same-sex orientation as being somehow less than human. I refuse to get know them. I mean, I interacted with them, after all, I was a theater major, but I wouldn't get to know them for fear that I might become contaminated by their gayness. I have to wonder how many wonderful people in my life I let slip by from close friendship by keeping them at arms length.
About three years ago, I reached the pinnacle of my meteoric climb in righteousness. I found myself once again dispensing judgment upon my fellow human beings, because I had become so much more close to God. And yet once again, I started feeling dissatisfied in my own skin, as if perhaps what I consider to be success in my spiritual walk was somehow flawed by my basic beliefs. It was at this point that my church taught a short series called "Please Forgive James", with J.a.m.e.s. being an acronym for how the world perceives Christians as being Judgmental, Arrogant, Mean-spirited, Egotistical,and Self-righteous. something in my heart stirred mightily.
You see, I work with someone who's gay, and once again, as I have done so many times in my life, I interacted with this individual, but inside I really wouldn't give them the time of day. After all, he was gay, and God just doesn't approve. Someone doing a crossword puzzle asked for the name of a particular book in the Bible, to fill in the blanks. I, being the Christian, quickly went and pulled up my Bible application on my smart phone and gave him the correct answer. My gay coworker told me that no such book in the Bible existed. I bet him $100 it did, as I was looking at the list of Bible books on my app. He took the bet. Five minutes later, he told me I was right and that he would honor the bet, as he showed me a napkin where he had written out all 66 books of the Bible.
I was shocked! How could this "chief of sinners" homosexual man know every book of the Bible from memory? Turns out that he was the son of a pastor who launched churches in his younger days. It also turns out that the church had been a source of pain and rejection to this man for most of his life. It was that day that God told me to lay down my judgments and simply accept the friendship that was offered before me. It has been an enormous blessing. The more I became aware of this man's character, the more I realized how poor of spirit I must be to stand in judgment of him. He is both kinder and more generous than I. In laying down my judgment of others because of their lack of being as Christian as I am, I have been exposed to the wonder of humanity. The same humanity that Christ has told me to love and embrace.
I don't pretend to have all the answers. In fact, my pendulum swings so wide. I'm wary of discussing my current beliefs with anyone for fear of the argument that will ensue. I believe Jesus Christ came to earth and died for my sins, and the sins of all of his creation. I believe he loves the believer no more or less than he loves the atheist who still struggles. I believe the working out of the wonder of creation and salvation is a long road that continues until our earthly demise. I also struggle with the veracity of the Bible, as men have monkeyed with it so many times, it's hard to believe that their pettiness, their power struggles, and their desire to manipulate and control for the good of others has not contaminated the purity of the message of God's love. I struggle with some of the messages in the New Testament that Paul has penned that in one hand say God's love is infinite and that salvation is assured for all who believe, but then turns to say that salvation is not assured if you miss some key point or fail in some human failing. I don't wish to debate this with anyone at this point. God is still working on me and our discussions are going well. I will say that currently I don't care who you choose to spend your life (or love)with. I'm more curious about if you treat them with love and respect. Too many of us throw stones at other's lifestyles while completely treating those in our "approved" lifestyles with disrespect and abuse.
I will say that I am more of an Inclusivist than an Exclusivist. I am more akin to the Christian Left than the Christian Right. I am more likely to question everything than to "Just Drink the Kool-Aid". I do love Jesus Christ, and I rely on his grace for my salvation, and yet I know my beliefs and actions fall far short of what a true disciple is capable of. God's answer to me continues to be, "It's okay, I love you, it will be all right". Which is pretty amazing considering the drug-addled, hypersexual, judgemental, self-righteous, homophobic jerk I've been for a good part of my life. And to some degree struggle with to this day. You see my latest fear has been that because of my speaking out on behalf of gay marriage and gay equality. That once again, people will take it as de facto that I must just be gay.I guess it's time to quit living the lie and just come to terms with the fact that I'm a lesbian born in a male's body. And God loves me anyway! Peace
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